With Tongue Firmly In Cheek

Bummer about those lost savings

RICK MORANIS

From Wednesday's Globe and Mail

February 24, 2009 at 8:14 PM EST

Sir George S. Mammon
The Mammon Company
Formerly of Lloyd Harbor, N.Y.

Feb. 25, 2009

Dear Clients and Friends,

I am writing to you from an undisclosed location on an untraceable laptop hoping that you are all well and not too angry with me.

As you know, I had little choice but to leave the North Shore of Long Island last week, quite hastily, after it became apparent I could no longer disguise the fact that, for the past 35 years, I misplaced all your money.

As I've said over and over in my annual letter, it has been my sincere honour and pleasure to have served you and your families' financial needs.

Many of you became "like family" to Sugar and me, and we shared the happiest of times together. I hope somehow that the good memories you have aren't tainted by the recent circumstances of my and your money's disappearance. Like you, I have watched our economy suffer the consequences of poor oversight, a lack of transparency and outright unmitigated greed.

Were it not for the financial mess the country is in right now, I would have been able to sustain the illusion of continuing growth and liquidity I so rigorously worked at establishing for more than three decades.

I share in your displeasure and fear about current conditions and wish I could say that I were optimistic, and comforted with the direction our government officials seem to be heading. I can assure you that, had I legitimately been investing in the holdings that were indicated on your monthly statements, you would be finding yourselves in almost as challenging a situation as you do now.

Many of you introduced me to good friends and family members who joined the Mammon investment community. For that, I am extremely grateful.

Many of you are aware of the extent to which TMC (The Mammon Company) held a special place in the philanthropic world of Nassau County's educational, religious and medical institutions. The countless gifts and vast amounts of money that I was able to donate all these many years were made possible by you, though I received the tax deductions.

Believe me, when a patient is receiving the highest quality reconstructive facial surgery, it doesn't matter whose name is on the building.

Now, the healing must begin.

I also hope you'll take pride in the tremendous contributions you made providing prosperous livelihoods to the many employees around the world whose devoted service to TMC allowed their many children to go to college. The flight captains and crews of our three gorgeous aircraft, the entire crew of "Moolah IV" and all the previous yachts, the housekeeping staffs, landscapers and service people in Malibu, Aspen, Scottsdale, Bermuda, Mayfair and the Seychelles. Every time you entrusted your hard-earned assets to TMC, the wheels of commerce turned a little faster. Because of your commitment and undying belief in the integrity of our service, true unbridled capitalism could flourish. New wealth was deployed for the benefit of many, while regressive and punishing international tax was rigidly kept to an absolute minimum.

Speaking of tax, let me give a word of advice to the many of you who took redemptions in order to remit required taxes on perceived capital gains and dividends. Because the actual transactions are somewhat questionable, the tax can be recaptured by refiling returns. I don't believe there is a statute of limitations in these kinds of cases. My sons Georgie and Niko, who had absolutely nothing to do with, and who had no knowledge whatsoever of, TMC's investment operations, are both exceptionally gifted at the kind of forensic accounting many of you may require. I invite you to contact them for reasonably priced counsel and execution.

May I say here that if I were advising our new President, I'd tell him to privatize the Internal Revenue Service and Securities and Exchange Commission or, at minimum, appoint a "coin czar." Financial and career incentives to bring tax evaders and other felonious operators to justice would be capital better-spent than all the stimulus and bailout money a high-speed press can print. In the hopefully unlikely event of my capture, I'd be honoured to plead my way into consideration for such a position.

I will miss very much the day-to-day interaction with all of you, not only professionally, but at the golf and beach clubs, the casino and masquerade nights and the many different vacation spots where many of us first met and would somehow always seem to run into each other.

I hope you will continue to be warm, kind and generous to Sugar now that I am gone. Like Georgie and Niko, she knew absolutely nothing about TMC. I can unconditionally guarantee that those cash withdrawals last week were a complete coincidence and were only done in order to facilitate some previously structured estate-planning strategies.

For those of you who spent time with us in Florida, you'll be happy to know that Sugar will be retaining possession of that beautiful home; I'm sure she also will be delighted to have company with her in Naples whenever possible.

Well, friends, I hear the train whistle. Or was that a boat? I guess I'll be on my way. I will endeavour to keep in touch as I make my journey through my new life.

I pray that God and our new President can somehow steer us through these rough waters, or bumpy roads, and that prosperity will return to your great country once again.

Sorry about the money.

And thanks to every one of you.

Ciao for now,

George